Opinion

Gretchen Nielsen: Losing one's mind good way to find soul

Church and state have merged in our country, and we are living in a fear-based system. The people have chosen an image of God that values loyalty more than integrity, favors those who praise and worship and offers personal salvation to the unquestioningly obedient, if not for the moment, in the hereafter. Tyrannical religions and governments, highly offended by criticism, inhibit self-expression, and right-wing U.S.A. is like the household of my childhood. Everyone in my family was so eager to respect my grandfather's right to worship in his own way that nobody told me he was crazy. Through my parents' acquiescence, I was led to believe that, although he was self-righteous, unforgiving and punitive, he was a servant of Jesus and the only one among us who would go to heaven for sure. I recall being struck for "talking back" to him and being frightened into silence, my outrage, fear and guilt reserved for expression only in nightmares and sleep-walking. I tried desperately to believe what Grandpa said I had to believe if I wanted to be "saved." Recovery from that spiritual abuse took years and a nervous breakdown. After I learned to read and became more acquainted with the outside world, I rebelled against Grandpa's hellfire horror stories and went religion shopping. Disenchanted with the other religions I encountered, I rebelled against the concept of God entirely, married an atheist, whom I worshiped, and tried desperately to believe in nothing. I began using alcohol more frequently than ever before, and when my drinking became a threat to our marriage, I gave up booze and went into psychotherapy. My therapist, realizing I was on the verge of a breakdown, suggested medication to "make me more comfortable," but, in a hurry to make up for lost time, I refused medication, sobbed with outrage, fear and guilt, left his office and begged "nothing" to show me everything I needed to know that would give me another chance at life. I got what I asked for and went out of my mind. I don't know whether it took an hour or all night, but I remained in torment until I sincerely forgave everyone, including myself, for everything. I saw humanity as one child of one source, took responsibility for my behavior as a part of that child and was returned, so to speak, to this dysfunctional world. A world that I wanted to change at once. I started preaching in the post office, encouraging people standing in long lines at the bank to join me in fitness exercises, demanding supermarket managers hire more employees, and then I got drunk and left the country. That was more than 20 years ago. Now I'm back, sober 13 years, and ready to try again. Changing the world system is a daunting task! Even Jesus, who was powerful enough to change the way the world measures time, failed to move us from a fear-based way of life. That's what must be done, however, if we're going to avoid total disaster. The fear of God has got to go! The world system will change when we let go of our past, reach for a way of life appropriate for our development as a species and experience God as the symbol for the emotion of love. God is love and that love is manifest in our behavior. The spirit of competition has overpowered the spirit of compassion, blinding us to the oneness of humanity and to the realization that personal salvation in the here and now is temporary, and in the hereafter it is impossible. God has no favorites. A love-based search for the truth is the system I believe Jesus had in mind for us, and, if the political/religious right-wing will give up its pride and become as a child, the world will change overnight. I recommend a nervous breakdown.