Eulogy writing tips   Jan Shepardson - who operates a eulogy writing service called www. lovingeulogies.com - offers some advice for those who want to author their own remarks:   ● "Everybody deserves lovely words," Shepardson says. "Say lovely words."   ● "First, just start writing your ideas. Write and write and write, and when you've got it out, you can organize it."   ● To give the eulogy form and flow, begin by thanking those in attendance for being in the life of the deceased and for attending the service. Then, without rambling, talk about the traits of the person and what he or she achieved. Close with a summation about the person's final rest or afterlife, depending on cultural and religious beliefs.   ● To get at the essence of what you wish to say, try to answer these questions: How did the person inspire you and others? What did you admire about the person? What were the person's most memorable personality traits? Who should be mentioned in the eulogy in addition to the deceased?   ● Keep the emphasis on a celebration of the person's life, recalling his or her best moments.   ● If you are crying a lot, keep well-hydrated with water and have a good supply of tissues.   ● If you cry or stall during your presentation, trust that the audience will understand. If you can't demonstrate your emotions at the time of bereavement, there will be no other time in your life when you can.   ● Keep the eulogy under eight minutes.   Those who can't come up with the right words on their own can purchase a custom eulogy by going to Shepardson's Web site or to another eulogy service.   Using information supplied by customers about their loved ones, Shepardson will craft a eulogy within 24 hours for $29.95. She charges $49.95 to complete a eulogy within 12 hours and $99.95 to finish the job in six hours.     Day of the Dead exhibit   What: "Día de los Muertos - Through the Eyes of the Soul."   Día de los Muertos, centering on remembrances of loved ones who have passed away, has been observed dating back to pre-Columbian times. The Day of the Dead is observed with an altar presentation.   When: The exhibit runs through Nov. 15, 9:30 a.m.-5:30 p.m. Mondays-Saturdays; 11 a.m.-5 p.m. Sundays. 623-5787.   Where: Tolteca Tlacuilo in the Old Town Artisans complex, 186 N. Meyer Ave.   All Souls' Day event   What: All Souls' Procession   When: 5 p.m. next Sunday   Where: Begins at Epic Cafe, 745 N. Fourth Ave., at University Boulevard, and winds through Downtown along Congress Street, North Sixth Avenue, Toole Avenue and Franklin Street. The route takes 60-90 minutes at a slow walk.   Feel free to jump into - and drop out of - the procession at any point along the way.   Cost: Free   Et cetera: The atmosphere is appropriate for families, though some little ones could get scared.     Eulogies by the book   Several books offer examples of effective eulogies and advice on writing a eulogy. Among them:   ● "A Labor of Love: How to Write a Eulogy," by Garry Schaeffer   ● " The Book of Eulogies: A Collection of Memorial Tributes, Poetry, Essays, and Letters of Condolence," edited with commentary by Phyllis Theroux   ● These and other books are available at the Tucson-Pima Public Library. Check the library Web site - www.lib.ci.tucson.az.us - for a list of library branches that have the books.

Words are not enough - not nearly enough - for a final farewell when a loved one has passed away. But words must do. They are all we have to say goodbye and godspeed. Wrought from the heart, delivered at a funeral or memorial with a mix of solemnity and celebration, the words of a eulogy can pay tribute to the departed, soothe the survivors and bring a critical sense of closure for those who must carry on. As with any type of speech, a eulogy can be moving and inspiring - or rambling, unfocused and even boring. This week, when All Souls' Day and the Day of the Dead bring reminders of mortality, can be a time to reflect on the eulogist's task. To consider the role of eulogies and learn what makes a good one, we sought out religious leaders, funeral directors, a professional eulogy writer and everyday Tucsonans who've delivered eulogies. "For me, a good eulogy brings across the point that the individual physically may be gone, but the memories you hold in your heart of that person will be there forever," says Chuck Chajewski, a Tucsonan who has delivered five eulogies. "My approach is to put flesh to the memories that everybody has of the individual," Chajewski says. For example, Chajewski's eulogy for a military buddy drew rich detail from the fact that his friend had loved working on cars and would go to any lengths to make a repair. "He thought nothing of dropping a transmission on his chest" in the course of removing it from a vehicle, Chajewski says. Like many other experienced eulogy writers, he believes in the virtue of brevity. "I don't go rambling on," he says. "Keep it to 10 or 15 minutes. I try to keep the comments short in case anybody else wishes to say something. It's not my show." Sister Jeanette Mariani, director of pastoral care at Our Mother of Sorrows Catholic Church, 1800 S. Kolb Road, says a heartfelt eulogy "helps with the grieving process." "I do a bereavement program here, and I find that telling the story of a person's life is a very important thing," she says. "It pours out of people, and it's a very healing thing." A eulogy can also be a handing down of tradition, of family history, says Mariani. "I can remember when my grandparents died," she says. "I was probably in my 20s. The eulogy was a way to expand your information about your family tree - how people came to this country from Europe and things like that." For many people, the thought of delivering a eulogy for a family member or close friend is daunting. Some fear they just won't be able to complete the task without breaking down emotionally. "It is difficult to say a eulogy, but it's much more heartfelt when it comes from a member of the family," says Leo Carrillo, owner of Carrillo's Tucson Mortuary, 204 S. Stone Ave. "Having a family member write the eulogy and read it is obviously more meaningful than having a funeral director or even clergy read it," Carrillo says. "That doesn't come off with the same impact as hearing it from the bereaved." Carrillo says he has listened to hundreds of eulogies - some ordinary and some memorable. He's drawn some conclusions as to what works and what doesn't. "Every once in a while, after it ends, you'll say, 'Wow! That was a great eulogy!' What those have in common is that they're not just a person's life in review," Carrillo says. "Instead, it's personal stories. The better ones make you remember. They make you laugh. They make you feel good, as opposed to something that tears your heart out. "A good eulogy is more of a celebration." Should a eulogy really make you laugh? At such a solemn occasion as a funeral? Yes, absolutely, when appropriate, say Carrillo, Mariani and those of us who've appreciated the relief of a loving laugh during a funeral service. It might be a reference to those absurd - but wonderfully memorable - red plaid pants Uncle Fred used to wear to family get-togethers. "Or it might be about different 'isms,' " Carrillo says. "You known, just funny words that (the deceased) would say or mix up - funny things they were known for saying." Carrillo says most eulogists would do well to limit their remarks to no more than five to 10 minutes. But you might go longer if you can skillfully incorporate humor and personal stories into the narrative. "I've heard eulogies go well over a half-hour and they've been excellent," Carrillo says. "These usually have the components that make you laugh. They include personal anecdotes and even music." Others think most of a 30-minute eulogy is likely to fall on deaf ears. "I don't go over eight minutes. You lose people if you go over that," says Jan Shepardson, who operates an online eulogy writing service - www.lovingeulogies.com - based in Chandler. Ken Hilliard, a Tucsonan who has delivered three eulogies, says it's essential to keep in mind that a eulogy is about a person who has died - but it's not directed at the deceased. "When you provide a eulogy, it's 100 percent for the people left here on Earth," Hilliard says. "You remember your target audience and who you want to comfort. . . . You want to connect the person who passed away with the people you are speaking to." What if the deceased was a curmudgeon, a grump or just a generally unlikable person? Search for some thread of the positive, something good to say, and shy away from the rest, say experienced eulogists. Hilliard says delivering a eulogy is not an occasion for judgmental thoughts. "How in the world do you eulogize a bad person? As soon as we say that, we're making judgments about the condition of that person's soul, and we don't have a right to do that," says Hilliard, who notes that he approaches eulogies from "a Christian perspective." Whatever you do, don't just wing it if you're charged with delivering a eulogy, advises Mariani, of Our Mother of Sorrows Church. "Preparation is very important," she says. "If you have the responsibility of doing a eulogy, have it written out. Or at least have some notes. Sometimes, in front of a group, your mind can go blank, or you can ramble and ramble and ramble. Who wants to hear that? Keep it focused." Eulogy writing tips

 

Jan Shepardson - who operates a eulogy writing service called www. lovingeulogies.com - offers some advice for those who want to author their own remarks: ● "Everybody deserves lovely words," Shepardson says. "Say lovely words." ● "First, just start writing your ideas. Write and write and write, and when you've got it out, you can organize it." ● To give the eulogy form and flow, begin by thanking those in attendance for being in the life of the deceased and for attending the service. Then, without rambling, talk about the traits of the person and what he or she achieved. Close with a summation about the person's final rest or afterlife, depending on cultural and religious beliefs. ● To get at the essence of what you wish to say, try to answer these questions: How did the person inspire you and others? What did you admire about the person? What were the person's most memorable personality traits? Who should be mentioned in the eulogy in addition to the deceased? ● Keep the emphasis on a celebration of the person's life, recalling his or her best moments. ● If you are crying a lot, keep well-hydrated with water and have a good supply of tissues. ● If you cry or stall during your presentation, trust that the audience will understand. If you can't demonstrate your emotions at the time of bereavement, there will be no other time in your life when you can. ● Keep the eulogy under eight minutes. Those who can't come up with the right words on their own can purchase a custom eulogy by going to Shepardson's Web site or to another eulogy service. Using information supplied by customers about their loved ones, Shepardson will craft a eulogy within 24 hours for $29.95. She charges $49.95 to complete a eulogy within 12 hours and $99.95 to finish the job in six hours. Day of the Dead exhibit

 

What: "Día de los Muertos - Through the Eyes of the Soul." Día de los Muertos, centering on remembrances of loved ones who have passed away, has been observed dating back to pre-Columbian times. The Day of the Dead is observed with an altar presentation. When: The exhibit runs through Nov. 15, 9:30 a.m.-5:30 p.m. Mondays-Saturdays; 11 a.m.-5 p.m. Sundays. 623-5787. Where: Tolteca Tlacuilo in the Old Town Artisans complex, 186 N. Meyer Ave. All Souls' Day event

 

What: All Souls' Procession When: 5 p.m. next Sunday Where: Begins at Epic Cafe, 745 N. Fourth Ave., at University Boulevard, and winds through Downtown along Congress Street, North Sixth Avenue, Toole Avenue and Franklin Street. The route takes 60-90 minutes at a slow walk. Feel free to jump into - and drop out of - the procession at any point along the way. Cost: Free Et cetera: The atmosphere is appropriate for families, though some little ones could get scared. Eulogies by the book

 

Several books offer examples of effective eulogies and advice on writing a eulogy. Among them: ● "A Labor of Love: How to Write a Eulogy," by Garry Schaeffer ● " The Book of Eulogies: A Collection of Memorial Tributes, Poetry, Essays, and Letters of Condolence," edited with commentary by Phyllis Theroux ● These and other books are available at the Tucson-Pima Public Library. Check the library Web site - www.lib.ci.tucson.az.us - for a list of library branches that have the books.