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Barry's very merry gifts Let's look back at '06Holiday gifts nobody needs Dave Barry's 2005 gift guideDave Barry: Hey alert readers: Goodbye for now Dave Barry looks back at the year that was 2004Dave Barry: Loyal, vigilant, trusting and smarter than a fish?Dave Barry: A few bear facts for those thinking of moving north Dave Barry's 2004 Gift GuideDave Barry: Soccer challenges parents as players get butterflies

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In short, 2007 was a year of deep gloom, pierced occasionally by rays of even deeper gloom. Oh, sure, there were a few bright spots:

● Several courageous members of the U.S. Congress — it could be as many as a dozen — decided "not" to run for president.

● O.J. Simpson discovered that, although you might be able to avoid jail for committing a double homicide, the justice system draws the line at attempted theft of sports memorabilia.

● Toward the end of the year, entire days went by when it was possible to not think about Paris Hilton.

● Apple released the iPhone, which enables users to fly, cure cancer, read minds and travel through time.

● The plucky, lovable New York Yankees once again found a way to bring joy to the literally billions of people who do not root for them.

● Dick Cheney did not shoot anybody, as far as we know.

But other than that, 2007 was a disaster. American consumers came to fear products manufactured in China, which covers pretty much everything. Global warming continued to worsen, despite the efforts of leading climate experts such as Madonna and Leonardo DiCaprio, who emerged briefly from their private jets to give the rest of us tips on reducing our carbon footprints.

On the economic front, the dollar continued to lose value against all major foreign currencies. There was a major collapse in the credit market, caused by the fact that every other radio commercial has been some guy selling mortgages to people who clearly should not have mortgages.

The subprime-mortgage fiasco resulted in huge stock-market losses, and the executives responsible were forced to accept lucrative retirement packages.

And it began with . . .

January

. . . when Democrats, having won the November elections, take control of both houses of Congress with surprisingly little loss of life.

Upon taking power, the Democrats, who campaigned vigorously against the war in Iraq, immediately get down to the business of being careful to not do anything that might actually result in the removal of troops from Iraq. This is fine with President Bush, who calls for a "troop surge," based on his understanding of the Iraq Study Group Report, as interpreted for him by aides equipped with 20,000 G.I. Joe action figures.

As the debate over Iraq intensifies, the eyes of a worried nation turn to another trouble spot: New York City, where Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell are locked in a battle to determine who is the bigger jerk.

The slump in home sales continues into the new year, with a total, nationwide, of one home sold in January.

In sports, an L.A. team signs glamorous British soccer star David Beckham to a $250 million contract. This raises eyebrows, both because of the amount of money and because the team is the Dodgers.

Sports remains in the news in . . .

February

. . . when South Florida hosts Super Bowl Roman Numeral. Because of concern over terrorism, security is tight, particularly outside South Beach nightclubs, where large bouncers refuse to let any terrorists inside unless they are really hot. After what feels like three months of pregame festivities, an actual game is played, pitting the Chicago Bears against the Indianapolis Peyton Mannings.

Democrats in the House of Representatives pass a non-binding resolution sternly ordering President Bush to get out of Iraq, unless he chooses not to.

Abroad, the six-party talks in Beijing conclude on an optimistic note as North Korea's leader, Insane Lunatic Liar Il, announces that his country will dismantle its nuclear-weapons program as soon as it receives the nuclear dismantler that it ordered on eBay. All six parties agree that this sounds reasonable.

But the big news in February is the death and subsequent wacky adventures of Anna Nicole Smith, whose body remains in a refrigerator in the Broward County, Fla., Medical Examiner's Office while her infant child is embroiled in a paternity dispute that eventually comes to involve every adult male resident of the United States except Richard Simmons.

Another important February story getting huge media coverage is Revenge of the Scary Astronaut Diaper Woman, which concerns astronaut Lisa Nowak, who, after allegedly driving nonstop from Houston to Orlando, is arrested and charged with the attempted murder of a woman whom she viewed as a rival for a male astronaut who no doubt wishes he had just stayed up in space. Police said Nowak's car contained latex gloves, a black wig, a BB pistol, a knife, pepper spray and a 55-gallon drum of Tang.

Speaking of drama, in . . .

March

. . . the riveting trial of Scooter "Scooter" Libby, former chief of staff to Vice President Dick Cheney, concludes with Scooter being convicted on federal charges of being guilty of something, but we are darned if we can remember what.

In other scandal news, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales gets into hot water when Democrats allege that his name can be rearranged to spell "Gala Lobster Zone." President Bush calls Gonzales "a person in which I have the utmost whaddyacallit" and pledges to "stand behind him 100 percent for the time being."

Anna Nicole Smith is finally laid to rest in the Bahamas in an intimate funeral service attended by family, close friends, acquaintances, total strangers, tourists and an estimated 750 cable-TV legal analysts.

Speaking of bad taste, in . . .

April

. . . the broadcasting industry is shocked when radio personality Don Imus, who has spent decades making crude racist statements, makes a crude racist statement about the Rutgers women's basketball team. The Revs. Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton are deeply offended and set about the difficult but necessary work of drawing still more attention to themselves.

Rosie O'Donnell announces that she will leave the TV show "The View" to pursue a career making bizarre statements on the Internet. Although O'Donnell claims her departure is amicable, insiders say she tried to oust Barbara Walters as the show's producer, a move that Walters was able to repel by blasting the comedienne with 150,000 cubic feet of hairspray, which for Barbara is nearly a two-day supply.

In other news, a contestant on "American Idol" is llama-hairstyled Sanjaya Malakar, who, with the support of millions of viewers, all apparently deaf, reaches the late rounds of the competition before being eliminated by a blowgun dart from Simon Cowell.

Speaking of action, in . . .

May

. . . Democrats in Congress — continuing to implement their policy of being passionately against the war — vote to continue funding the war, but boldly enter snippy remarks about it into the Congressional Record.

Meanwhile, the Senate, after months of secret negotiations, releases its comprehensive immigration reform plan, under which immigrants would earn points toward becoming U.S. citizens by having basic citizenship skills such as being able to do the Electric Slide and place an order at Starbucks.

In presidential politics, Florida — continuing its proud tradition of screwing up elections — announces that it will move its primary up to Jan. 29. This infuriates Iowa and New Hampshire, which want to be first because otherwise no sane person would ever go to either state in the winter. So New Hampshire moves its primary to early January, and Iowa moves its caucus to even earlier in January. Soon the other states, not wanting to be left out, start moving up "their" elections; before the frenzy is over, Nebraska has officially declared that its 2008 primary election will take place in 1973.

Abroad, the French presidential election, in what political analysts see as a break with trends, is won by John Kerry.

In sports, the Indianapolis 500 is won by Britney Spears in a car equipped with two infants but no car seats.

Speaking of outstanding drivers, in . . .

June

. . . the nation is riveted by the drama of Paris Hilton, who, after a string of motor-vehicle violations including driving with the brain functionality of a cabbage, is ordered to go to jail, is released from jail and then is burned at the stake.

No, seriously: Paris is sent back to jail for several weeks, during which she is repeatedly subjected to a harsh generic hair conditioner. Somehow she survives this ordeal and, upon leaving jail, adopts a low public profile, except for appearing with Larry King, who does a fine job once he realizes, about 40 minutes into the interview, that she is not Goldie Hawn.

In other June TV highlights:

● Cuban TV broadcasts an interview of Fidel Castro intended to prove that the dictator is still alive; cynics note, however, that the interview was conducted by Edward R. Murrow.

● The hit HBO series "The Sopranos" comes to an ambiguous end when, in mid-scene, the screen goes black. Many viewers at first think this is a technical problem; cable-TV companies log 3 million complaint calls, nearly 30 percent of them from the White House.

But the biggest story in June, as well as the history of the universe, is the release of the Apple iPhone, which has all kinds of brilliant features, including AutoFondle, an application that enables the iPhone to fondle itself during those times when you are unable to fondle it because you're undergoing surgery from wounds you sustained when friends finally lost it and beat you senseless to make you shut up about your freaking iPhone.

Speaking of medical procedures, in . . .

July

. . . President Bush undergoes a colonoscopy; congressional Democrats immediately pass a resolution condemning the procedure. Vice President Cheney serves as acting president for two-and-a-half hours, during which he performs what his office describes as "routine executive duties," including "signing some routine papers" and "ordering some routine bomb strikes against Iran."

Speaking of which: The troubled space program is dealt yet another blow when a panel reveals that on at least two occasions, astronauts were cleared to fly while drunk. This is thought to explain some research conducted by shuttle crews, including the "weightless naked Twister experiment."

In the arts, July is dominated by the release of the final Harry Potter book, "Harry Potter Spends Half the Book Camping." The book is well-received, although some fans are troubled by the ending, which ends in the death of Harry's longtime nemesis, Tony Soprano.

In sports, suspicions of doping continue to plague the Tour de France when the grueling 2,200-mile race is won, in a stunning upset, by Barry Bonds. Pro basketball also suffers a blow following reports that NBA referee Tim Donaghy bet on games that he officiated, which could explain some of his questionable calls, including fouls for "bad posture" and "dribbling too loud."

Speaking of image problems, in . . .

August

. . . the big story in politics is Idaho Sen. Larry "Wide Stance" Craig, who pleads guilty in August after being arrested in June for allegedly attempting to engage in acts of explicit filibustering with an undercover detective in a Minneapolis airport bathroom stall. Senator Craig explains that, even though he pleaded guilty, he is innocent, but he promises that he will resign, a pledge he later clarifies by explaining that he will not resign.

In other scandal news, beleaguered Attorney General Alberto Gonzales is forced to resign when Democrats leak documents showing that his name can also be rearranged to spell "Large Ozone Blast." President Bush attempts to commute Gonzales' sentence, only to be informed that there isn't one.

The big sports story is Michael Vick, whose guilty plea with a dogfighting operation ends his football career, costing him a fortune and setting a standard for moronic and immoral professional-athlete behavior that will take O.J. Simpson nearly a month to surpass.

Speaking of troubled personalities, in . . .

September

. . . Iranian President Mahmoud "Scooter" Ahmadinejad, speaking at Columbia University, defends his denial of the Holocaust and claims there are no gays in Iran. He and his entourage then head to Greenwich Village to shop for chaps.

A talk by John Kerry at the University of Florida is interrupted by a struggle between police and a disruptive student, who shouts "Don't tase me, bro!" at an officer, who then tasers him, possibly because she is not in fact a "bro." The video of this incident — showing the student shouting "Help!" and wrestling with police on the floor while Kerry's droning voice can be heard in the background saying "it's a very important question" — becomes a huge YouTube hit.

In other developments:

● Fred Thompson, ending months of speculation, formally declares that he has a hot wife.

● Hillary Clinton's campaign returns $850,000 in contributions raised by fugitive Chinese-American businessman Norman Hsu following reports that the money had a high lead content.

In Las Vegas, O.J. Simpson, an ordinary citizen exercising his basic constitutional right to retrieve sports memorabilia from somebody else's hotel room with the aid of armed thugs, somehow runs afoul of the law. He insists he is innocent but winds up facing trial on robbery and kidnapping charges that could send him to jail for a life term, after which he will undoubtedly be signed by the Miami Dolphins.

Speaking of trouble, in . . .

October

. . . uncontrolled fires sweep across large areas of California. President Bush, looking down from his helicopter, pronounces the scene "devastating," only to be informed that the helicopter is flying over Camp David.

On the economic front, the Federal Reserve Board cuts interest rates in an effort to counteract economic stagnation caused by the fact that Americans are now spending $743 billion a year on "Hannah Montana" tickets.

In entertainment news, author J.K. Rowling surprises fans of the "Harry Potter" series when she reveals that Albus Dumbledore, headmaster of Hogwarts School, was also a U.S. senator from Idaho.

October ends with America shutting down for roughly a week to celebrate Halloween, a time when millions of adults get back in touch with their "inner child" by getting drunk dressed as pimps and hookers.

Speaking of pimps and hookers, in . . .

November

. . . as the political debates increase in frequency and intensity, the American public, realizing that the time to make a decision will soon be at hand, tunes in to the finale of "Dancing With the Stars."

In economic news, the Federal Reserve Board, responding to recession fears and the continued weakening of the dollar, votes unanimously to be paid in euros.

Americans celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday much as the Pilgrims did, lining up outside Best Buy at 3 a.m. to buy appliances.

This leads us to . . .