Sports

Dress code strips NBA players of character

In the 1970s, Steelers Super Bowl running back Frenchy Fuqua wore platform shoes with live goldfish swimming in the see-through heels. The fish died, and the NFL hasn't since had much of a sense of humor. The NFL long ago hired fashion police, including ex-UA receiving star Ron Gardin, to examine the uniformity of each man's game-day uniform. Socks too high? That'll be a $5,000 fine. Shirt untucked? Write a check for 10 G's. Coaches must also wear league-approved apparel (no ties, which would eliminate a latter-day Tom Landry) and a no-socks visible rule, an insult to the memory of Vince Lombardi. Now comes the NBA dress code, prohibiting sneakers, sandals, headgear, chains, medallions, headphones and especially sunglasses after sunset. It's a good thing Steve Kerr has retired. He wouldn't have a thing left to wear. You won't get support for David Stern's fashion faux pas order here. Few things have been more illuminating than to see Allen Iverson wearing an outfit you'd swear he bought at Shaq's Big & Tall shop on Mars. It keeps you humble to know that America, home of the free, does not discriminate against bad taste. Moreover, given today's legislated sports sameness, it dictates bland viewing for the next generation of sports fans. They'll never be able to tell their grandkids: ● That Oscar Gamble wore an afro the size of Pluto. ● That Zola Budd got to the Olympic 3,000-meter finals sans running shoes. ● That Boog Powell cut off the sleeves to his baseball jersey, flashing bigger biceps than the governor of California. ● That Wilt Chamberlain wore knee socks so high they would've reached up to Nate Robinson's chin. ● That Dave Wottle won the Olympic 800 meters gold medal while wearing a baseball cap. ● That the '79 White Sox wore black softball uniforms. ● That Johnny Unitas wore black high-top shoes ordinarily worn by guards and tackles. ● That Duffy Waldorf wears Don Ho headgear and Hawaiian shirts and still gets an invitation to the Masters. ● That Gary Hall Jr. wore an Everlast boxing robe, head covered by a hood, to the Olympic swimming finals - and won. ● That Pete Maravich didn't wash his basketball socks until they were flopping on the ground. And he could still go for 40. ● That Rollie Fingers wore a broad handlebar mustache and yet got the requisite votes necessary for the Hall of Fame. ● That Mark Fidrych's tangled hair slopped out of his baseball cap so much he looked like Little Orphan Annie and became an American legend. ● That Olympic weightlifting legend Vassily Alekseyev lifted 500 pounds wearing a size small Russian-red jersey with CCCP crunched together across the front. ● That Reds third baseman Chris Sabo wore quasi-swimming goggles to home plate. ● That Randy Johnson once wore a Big Mullet and struck out 300 batters anyway. ● That Lee Trevino wore bright-red socks while winning the 1968 U.S. Open. ● That Brandi Chastain was neither fined nor suspended for taking a victory lap in a sports bra. ● That Jeff Bagwell's blousy baseball trousers could fit an overweight Babe Ruth. ● That Bill Russell wore Nehru jackets long after they were deemed ridiculous, and no one dared to mention it. ● That Joe Namath was paid a fortune to shave off his then-scandalous Fu Manchu mustache by an electric razor company. ● That Serena Williams wore suggestive tennis outfits that would've made Anna Kournikova blush. ● That Natalie Gulbis wears golf outfits that make Serena come off as modest. ● That the '79 Pirates wore retro caps, square at the top, that made them look like train conductors. They took that train to the World Series title. Given the uniformity of today's sports landscape, we are no longer going to see a Jim McMahon wear an illegal headband, scrawled upon it a drop-dead message to the commissioner. Gone are the days that a football coach from the South wears a houndstooth cap, cigarette in hand, accepting the national championship trophy. Dennis Rodman's nose ring? History. Coming off an explosive 10-1 football season in 1991, Houston Cougar receiver Torrin Polk told reporters he respected UH coach John Jenkins for allowing his players to express themselves. "He treats us like men," Polk said. "He lets us wear earrings." Oh, for the good old days.