Alexis Bledel, left, plays Rory Gilmore and Lauren Graham plays Lorelai Gilmore in the "Gilmore Girls."

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I blame you, WB leadership, for driving away Amy Sherman Palladino and sending me into this extreme spiral of mourning for my former beloved "Gilmore Girls." And I also blame you, the writers, because not even Lauren Graham can pull off the unfunny, clunky lines you've given the actors lately.

My heart is broken, there's an empty box of Franzia by my bed, and I'm wearing enough black to make Amy Lee think we could be friends. I'm in such an unhealthy relationship with the creators, even Lorelai would have the sense to bail.

I was ready to dump your confusing, scene-repeating, Logan-loving show. But Emily got arrested last week, which ranks as one of the Top Ten scenes ever for this show, and I couldn't tear myself away. Like the ex-boyfriend you can't get rid of, the arrest, along with the shiny red car and a dream date, was just enough to string me along.

But unless you shape up, I'm gone for good. I mean it. Oh, and I have some conditions.

No, I am talking right now.

Let's start with Lane, aka the Miraculous Conception. She has sex one time, and now she's pregnant? Even the cheap Mexican condom doesn't explain that.

And am I really supposed to believe that super-smart Lane, who rallied her lazy-butt band to success, can't figure out that sex gets better? Whatever. Even Mama Kim wouldn't try to take it that far.

Remember back in the good ol' days when this show was about girl power? Yeah, me too. Let's try going back to that.

OK. Now, let's talk about Christopher and Lorelai, shall we?

I get that he is super cute and rich and can plan a date like a prince. I even get how Lorelai ended up in bed with him after her crushing breakup with Luke.

What I do not get is how she has seemingly written off her entire history with both Luke and Christopher. I know the girl is flighty. But she's going to date Christopher? The man who broke her heart/abandoned her/is the father of her child Christopher? I just . . . it's . . . I have no words for this. Or for how she doesn't deck him when he calls her "Lor" in the weird drawl that makes him sound like he's choking.

Is she not sad she just lost the love of her life? Does Rory not care that Luke, the closest thing to a father she has ever known, just got dumped? Is Luke not upset? Why is Suki the only one to acknowledge what a huge, huge thing this was?

And, yeah, I get that April is the mini-Rory. Move on or write her out of the show, no matter how adorable the interactions between her and Luke are. Say what? You didn't think we'd notice that you were recycling barrels of Rory's personality in April? Well, we did.

Get it together, guys. Or Tuesday nights will get awfully lonely. Because I promise you, your rebound will not look nearly as good as Christopher does.