Tucson Region

The Incredible Hulk on wheels, if a Hummer's just too small

OK, I'll admit it. I'm not that bony young thing I was at 19. But when I'm asked to stop pumping gas so that some guy and his wide-bodied "dualie" can squeeze by me at the gas station, I'm thinking, "Hey, maybe my hips aren't the only problem here." As his truck lumbered by, I couldn't help but mutter under my breath, "Dude, you're the reason we're in Iraq." At this rate, we may be stuck there forever. Folks, if you think the answer to America's energy problem is the Hummer, you're gonna love our latest personal gas guzzler: International Harvester's CXT. Nine feet tall and more than 21 feet long, this latest model of machismo gone mad gets between six and 10 miles per gallon. Ah, but won't it be fun working the air brakes, especially late at night on a quiet street? And don't forget that optional tilting dump box. Just the thing after a quick trip to the grocery store. Back this puppy up to the garage and let 'er rip. Oops, watch out kids. Here come the eggs. Ha ha. On the other hand, what other option do you have? Face it, the only garage you're ever going to wedge this baby into will be sporting a hydraulic lift and some guy named Merle. Merle, however, is not who the marketing honchos at International Harvester have in mind. Not at $115,000, which is what this truck, tricked out, costs. And not when it has optional leather seats, DVD player and rear-view camera. Hallelujah, the recession must be over. Bring back the wretched excess of the late 1990s. On the other hand, the company more commonly known for its dump trucks and tractors likes to point out that the CXT is just the thing for traversing potholes. How convenient, since at up to 13 tons, depending on your load, it's likely to carve out a fair share of craters itself. And won't it be fun trying to make a left turn opposite one of these hulks. If you drive a normal-sized car, as I do, you already know how you can't see past the humongous SUVs idling in the left-turn lane opposite you. Nothing to do but wait until every last SUV opposite you has turned. Then and only then can you spot oncoming traffic and dare to make a left turn. Longer parking spaces, akin to RV slots, will have to be striped down at the mall. And every fast-food drive-through in town will have to come up with a two-tiered squawk box, to accommodate the higher cab. OK. Let's add up all the pluses of yet another line of behemoths on the road: ● We gotta get out of their way at the gas station - though won't it be fun to smirk as the dollars signs on the gas pumps ding into the stratosphere. ● We gotta get our cars realigned every three months, thanks to all the potholes. ● We get to enjoy thrilling news coverage of the war in Iraq for heaven knows how much longer. ● We get to experience exciting visits to the emergency room - or more likely, the morgue - after a little "tap" by one of these monsters. While International Harvester is reportedly building only 60 this year, it could easily start cranking out thousands, should it become the latest "in" ride. Gee, whaddya think? In the country that coined the command, "Supersize me," it's only a matter of time until one rounds a corner near you. Here's hoping your car - and your hips - can squeeze by.