Related articles:

Carolyn Hax: If sex is urgent, get a divorceCarolyn Hax: Expect more from boyfriendCarolyn Hax: People can agree to disagree Carolyn Hax : By Carolyn Hax : Don't force him to decorate Carolyn Hax : By Carolyn Hax : What made Mom special Carolyn Hax : By Carolyn Hax : If she can't trust, move on Carolyn Hax : By Carolyn Hax : Was pre-ring weight a lie? Carolyn Hax : Consumed by office love Carolyn Hax : By Carolyn Hax : Sexual issue just a symptom Carolyn Hax: Bouncing back from divorce

Other articles by Carolyn Hax:

She's perfect, so to speak — but she doesn't Readers speak up on marriage commitment, relationships Wife who sent thousand-plus texts to her ex needs to explain Tell me about it : Admit to fiancee you're not ready Finding a problem with 'women in general' points to your own issues Looking for objective? Imagine him not as a person but as a place With the right attitude, you can find someone Suspicions about wife, 2-year-old child torment husband Tell me about it Tell me about it : 'Soul mate' should support partner, not her mom

Administrative & Professional
Jorgensen Brooks Group
Counselor Mechanical
Komatsu Equipment Co
Resident Field Mechanic Administrative & Professional
Tucson Urban League
CEO/President Finance and Accounting
Charles E. Gillman Company
Accounting Specialist Trades/Construction
RANCHO RESORT
MAINTANANCE POSITION Sales and Marketing
Everready Glass
Sales Reps

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

● Dear Carolyn:

I am the mother of two boys, 21 and 19. Their father and I divorced three years ago and their father quickly remarried and had two more children. I was devastated by the divorce.

Right now my older son lives with his father, while my younger son lives with me. The elder has chosen to push me and his brother out of his life. The younger reaches out, but his brother won't engage with him. My younger had a difficult temperament while growing up, but he has really matured.

What can I do to help?

That is a lot of change in a short time. While it's important for the older son to know you aren't giving up on him, you need to give everyone time to process all these changes. New and confusing emotions are responsible, I believe, for most of the rash and hurtful things people do to each other.

It also wouldn't hurt to put extra patience into your relationship with their father. Your devastation is real, but the loss of your husband is a done deal; focus now on not losing your son. Ultimately that's up to your son, of course, but your ex can be your strongest ally.

Backing off and giving people room to make their own decisions also happens to be your best defense against charges of being controlling. I'm sorry.

● Carolyn:

I have asked their father to be my ally, with no success. My younger son feels neglected by his dad, so that fuels this issue.

I am giving my son space and it hurts. But it hurts worse to see him push away his brother, who really needs his family.

The message your younger son might need to hear most right now is that people do things for their own reasons, and often they don't think through the consequences.

The natural question is: What did I do to make my own father lose interest in me?

I often advise examining one's own behavior and motives, where now I advocate examining someone else's. It's close to assigning blame.

But there are times when it is appropriate to recognize you aren't responsible (except, as always, for your own response).