Other articles by Carolyn Hax:

She's perfect, so to speak — but she doesn't Readers speak up on marriage commitment, relationships Wife who sent thousand-plus texts to her ex needs to explain Tell me about it : Admit to fiancee you're not ready Finding a problem with 'women in general' points to your own issues Looking for objective? Imagine him not as a person but as a place With the right attitude, you can find someone Suspicions about wife, 2-year-old child torment husband Tell me about it Tell me about it : 'Soul mate' should support partner, not her mom

Administrative & Professional
Tucson Urban League
CEO/President Finance and Accounting
Charles E. Gillman Company
Accounting Specialist Administrative & Professional
Jorgensen Brooks Group
Counselor Sales and Marketing
Everready Glass
Sales Reps Trades/Construction
RANCHO RESORT
MAINTANANCE POSITION Mechanical
Komatsu Equipment Co
Resident Field Mechanic

Carolyn: After a few of years of dating, my partner and I are talking about living together. Typically, couples buy or rent places that cost more than either individual could afford. I understand how and why this happens. I just do not like it. Becoming part of a couple does not change what I can afford.

I really feel this is about being principled, not about being cheap or distrustful. She just cannot see herself living with me in any of the places that either of us could afford. I have a hard time contemplating that such a wonderful relationship could be jeopardized by such a mundane issue. What can I do? — Muddled in Madison

You can recognize that it's not a mundane issue. It's the convergence of several issues, none of which is mundane.

It's about values. It's about respect for each other's needs. It's about knowing each other. And ultimately, it's about trusting each other.

It starts with the values. You value financial security, and are willing to compromise some comfort to have it. She values comfort, and is willing to compromise some financial security to have it. And while it's easy to pick sides and say that of course financial security is more important than comfort, I won't go that far without having seen what you can afford. A crime-afflicted neighborhood, a two-hour commute, a cramped efficiency — any one of these price trade-offs can be a persuasive argument for assuming at least some extra financial risk.

Which brings us to respecting each other's needs. Are you proposing you live like (or with) rodents, or is she being a prima donna? Is she demanding extravagance, or are you being cheap? If the truth is somewhere between these extremes, then your meeting-halfway point is in there, too.

If, on the other hand, the truth is what you imply in your letter — that she believes your price limit is really just preparation for a possible breakup — then it's no longer about you two as individuals, but about you two as a couple.

That's because such a suspicion on her part can mean one of only two things: that you're hedging against a breakup and merely professing to be risk-averse by nature, or you really are risk-averse by nature and your girlfriend doesn't have the remotest idea who you really are.