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Dear Abby : Tell her what she wants to hear

Other articles by Jeanne Phillips:

Dear Abby : What they're doing is theft Dear Abby : Holidays aren't for everyone Dear Abby : Wishing unhappiness for ex Dear Abby : Don't listen to pessimists Dear Abby : Do people pretend an interest? Dear Abby : Hubby needs vow reminder Dear Abby : Who pays for birth control? Dear Abby : Time to make princesses work Dear Abby : Try compromise on holiday Dear Abby : Is wearing a thong so wrong?

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DEAR ABBY: I despise wearing rings, which is a problem because I plan to become engaged. I'm OK with a plain wedding band, but baubles on appendages interfere with useful work and creativity, and they turn me off.

I have an expensive heirloom ring I would gladly give to my lady if she'd keep it in the safe deposit box where it belongs.

What can I use in lieu of an engagement ring? I'd rather give her an annuity or something useful. The thought of a $10,000 ring on a hand that belongs to a productive and intelligent working woman suggests self-indulgent exhibitionism. Any ideas? — Practical in Denver

DEAR PRACTICAL: Before you pop the question, be absolutely sure you and your lady have a meeting of the minds on this subject. Candidly, from the tone of your letter you come across as rigid, opinionated and controlling. While you are entitled to your biases, if you marry an "intelligent and productive working woman," she should be able to decide for herself what kind of jewelry is appropriate.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a divorcee, dating a man I'll call "Jack," who has been separated from his wife for three years. We've known each other two years and have been intimate for 11 months now.

Jack's daughter will wed in Mexico in two months. I have met both his adult children; they seem happy he is finally in a relationship. The problem is, Jack hasn't invited me to the wedding.

I suspect he wants to avoid the stress of revealing our relationship to his former wife, who left him after 25 years of marriage.

I feel Jack is still living in the past, and I'm considering ending the relationship because of it. He's a wonderful, caring person, but he has a secretive side that I have a hard time dealing with. Help me to see the light. — Troubled in Toronto

DEAR TROUBLED: Allow me to share an insight. Secretive people usually have something to hide. You refer to Jack's wife as his "former" wife, but she's not.

It's time for a frank talk with your "wonderful, caring" lover because he has set a precedent for what you can expect in the future.