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Q I read what you had to say about over-parenting. My 15-year-old son has tried marijuana, and he has a group of friends who are involved with occasional drinking and smoking.

I am of the opinion that trying these vices was inevitable, and I personally was OK with the fact that this was something he would experience while he is still under my roof. I would rather be open with him about the problems of drug use and drinking, and explain to him that this should not be a lifestyle. I'm more tolerant than my wife is of this activity, though I have never told him it was OK.

My wife, however, has smothered him with wanting to know his every whereabouts and will not let him out of her sight. She constantly checks on his homework and grades, and she wants to know at all times who he is chatting with online. She bought a drug-test kit and wants him randomly tested.

Is this over-parenting, or am I wrong in thinking we should be accepting of his actions?

A In the abstract, I agree with you. Hovering can have two negative consequences — the teen stays away from the house and parents as much as possible, and the teen starts to lie and have friends cover up.

To me, how the teen functions is a determinant. If the teen is doing well at school, acts responsibly around the house (obeys rules, does chores), talks about a future like college, relates reasonably well with parents (all teens in their need to separate stop idolizing their parents and start arguing with them), I would not hover or do drug testing. I would hold my breath and trust my teen.

Parents have a dilemma. Yes, teens need increasing levels of independence and autonomy to learn how to make wise choices when they no longer are under the parental roof. But a dumb choice could be fatal. Example: Telling parents, "I'm going to Jason's house to do homework," when all along the kid intends to go out drinking and driving around.

You want to let your son make a few dumb choices while you can supervise him and are willing to take the risk that something bad could happen. Your wife wants to watch him so closely that nothing bad can happen, and she doesn't realize this means he won't be making choices for himself.

There are three principles parents need to understand about teen trust. The first: Trust must be earned. Teens earn trust by proving to the parents that they can be trusted to be where they say they will be, come home at the agreed-upon time, and always tell parents the truth. Parents start out allowing the teen to prove trustworthiness in baby steps. The first step might be going to a friend's house or the library after school.

The second: Trust but verify, especially at the beginning of the teen years. Drive by the library and make sure your kid is there. Call the friend's parents to make sure your child is doing homework there. This principle goes hand in hand with the first principle, because if you don't verify, you can't be sure your teen has earned trust.

Finally: Broken trust always means sanctions. If you ever find out your teen has lied to you, go back to square one. Will your teens protest? Of course they will, but you are legally responsible for children until they reach 18.

Will these principles protect your teen from doing dumb things and trying to get away with them? Alas, not completely. Peer pressure is strong; impulsive behavior will occur. But these principles will help.

I am concerned that you and your wife are very far apart on the issue. And the last thing a teen needs is feuding parents. The best thing for a teen to have is parents totally united on issues such as trust and verification; parents who are easy to communicate with, because they listen and share how it was when they were teens; and parents who can communicate with each other and be role models for a good relationship.

Take your wife out to lunch and show her this column. If you two can't agree on how to handle your son, I suggest couples therapy.