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Q I'm home-schooling my 18-year-old son, who is a senior in high school. I caught him cheating on schoolwork (he found my answer key). Months later, I suspected it again, but he emphatically denied it, saying, "After I did it last time, do you think I would do it again?"

Then I found photocopies of my answer key in his backpack in his closet. He is trying to turn this around and take the focus off of what he did by playing the "invasion of privacy" card. My son made his choice to lie and cheat. I am making my choice to help him. I hope that getting caught will make him think twice the next time.

His dad is having a good discussion with him about owning up to lies, being a better person and being able to live with yourself. His dad also told him that nobody is a saint, and we all have lied at one time or another (great points).

But I'm afraid his dad is leaning toward agreeing that I was in violation of our son's privacy. I need some good points to make.

A You did violate your son's privacy. Ideally, a teenager will have personal space such as a backpack and a closet. Ideally, your son would have owned up to his second cheating episode, gone to his backpack and handed you the answer key. But he didn't.

The boy at this point isn't demonstrating the responsibility expected of teens. Here is the my checklist dealing with teen responsibility, which is useful when a teen demands more freedom. Parents can use the checklist to determine whether the teen is responsible enough to handle added freedom.

● Respects himself and respects others.

● Has developed a love of learning.

● Has learned self-control.

● Is empathic.

● Is developing social values.

● Is kind.

● Stays in school.

● Dreams, plans and prepares for a future.

● Makes wise choices (most of the time).

● Follows the rules and obeys the law.

● Doesn't harm self or others (no drugs, violence or irresponsible sex).

● Is building a value system to become a productive, involved citizen.

● Has a sense of community.

● Thinks for himself or herself.

Your son did cheat and lie not once but twice, demonstrating that he hasn't shown teen responsibility in several areas. He lacks respect for himself and his mother (and his father, whom he is trying to convince that his mother's "guilt" is more important than his lack of innocence). He would rather cheat than learn, he lacks social values, and he doesn't follow the rules, which does grave harm because he can't be trusted. These are huge gaps. Ergo, your son is not a responsible teen.

I tell parents who ask me how they figure out if they can trust their teenager to follow three principles:

● Trust must be earned.

● Trust must be verified.

● Broken trust always means sanctions.

What now? I would prepare for a family meeting. You and your husband should meet in private to decide on sanctions. You should be on the same page here. And your husband should cool it when it comes to your behavior and the privacy issue. The issue is your son. Show your husband this column.

After you two are in agreement, set up the family meeting. Turn off all noise and possible distractions or sources of interruption. Apologize to your son for violating his privacy, which you would not have done if his behavior had not raised suspicions. Explain that he hasn't demonstrated the level of responsibility that warrants trust.

His tasks now are to make up the schoolwork and start over from the beginning to earn your trust. The punishments you are imposing for his cheating and lying are _________. Fill in the blank based on what you and your husband have agreed on. The punishments should be severe enough to make your son realize the enormity of his offense but not so severe that he feels he can never get out of the hole he has dug for himself.

I would use both the carrot and the stick approaches. Your son must be made to give up something important to him for a significant amount of time. Grounding for a month with no sports or music comes to mind. You also can let him earn points to lessen his sentence a day or so by doing extra schoolwork in the area where he felt it was necessary to cheat.

Show your son this column. Suggest that he read all the "Teen ParenTips" on my Web site and write a report. If he does well on this report, you might assign another paper to create a checklist on parent responsibility. Get him thinking about ethics from all perspectives.