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It was a morning filled with the same bowl of hate and a cup of sadness. I had two servings, then slumped out the door with those emotions stirring in me. I didn't know what to do with myself, but I knew that I wanted to leave my reality. Then I heard the rattle of the medications in my backpack. An evil revelation whispered to me that those pills could soothe the itching sensation I had to escape. So I unzipped my bag and took out two orange Walgreens bottles. I had myself a second breakfast: three antidepressants and four naproxen. All I wanted was to be numbed out and lost.

At the delicate age of 13, I was dependent on prescription drugs: trazodone for insomnia, naproxen for headaches and antidepressants. But instead of making me feel better, these pills made me feel worse. My doctor and my mom encouraged me to stick with the drugs, thinking that they would give me the help I needed.

Before I knew it, I relied on sleeping aids, pain medications, antidepressants and anything else I could get my hands on. But when the doctor wouldn't or couldn't give me the pills I wanted, I went hunting for relief from the pain myself. Instead of finding more drugs, I found alternative medicine.

***

When I was on antidepressants, I felt like my soul and personality were seeping out of every pore. The pills would trigger the autopilot in my brain, and I started going through life as a zombie. These pills did their job in killing my sadness, but they also killed my joy. All the passion was drained out of me, like there was no longer any reason to live. I wasn't feeling emotions, just viewing the world through a thick filter the pills had created.

I took trazodone because of my sleep deprivation. When I got ready to go to sleep at night, I would pop a tiny pill, a little white circular dinner that knocked me flat out and made me wake up groggy. I got the best slumber chemicals could give me, but it fell completely short compared to restful, natural sleep.

For the first month, the naproxen I took for my headaches worked just fine. I would take one naproxen every 12 hours, just like the bottle said. But my headaches just seemed to intensify. If I only took one, it would just sit in my belly and do nothing except confuse me. I downed ibuprofen along with my naproxen, but my mind kept screaming in pain for relief.

It didn't take long before my body stopped reacting to the original dosage. So I had to call for backup — and backup, for me, was another pill. Soon it was like a fiesta of lazy pills not doing their job in my stomach. I realized the pills weren't working. My headaches persisted, I didn't feel rested, and I was still depressed. Instead of getting better, I was getting worse.

The constant intake of medication was ruining my thoughts and body. My mind began telling my body that I needed these chemicals to keep it in tune. I felt as if I was unable to function in public spaces without them; I thought I was sick if I did not have my dosage. The pills broke my spirit, my body, my emotions.

At the time, I believed that pharmaceuticals were going to help me and that I needed them to stay sane and healthy. My mom didn't know any better either; she was just going by what the doctors said. Neither of us knew about the alternatives to pharmaceuticals. So over time, I turned into a monster that was hungry for pills.

Then something amazing happened: I discovered yoga. I got a $30 dollar pass for 30 days of yoga at Anjali Yoga Studio. I made it a point to get there after work. Yoga fine-tuned my mind and body and connected them together again. I poured myself into every position.

I felt as if all the chemicals in me were extracted, as if all was right in life and I could handle anything that came my way. I felt I was doing what I needed to be doing — I was finally strolling down the right path. Yoga made everything whole; it ironed the wrinkles out of my life.

Around the same time, I inherited a bicycle from my dad, which finally got my life moving again. It got me to the places I needed to go (like yoga class!) and allowed me to take in the community around me with every breath.

My heart boomed the blood through my extremities louder, forcing me to remember that I am alive, and human, and healthy.

Now I am so worn out after school, work, yoga and biking, I trip into my bed and am able to sleep. Not only that, but now that I stay active, the headaches have gone away as well. I've also discovered the healing powers of herbal medicine and feeling connected to the Earth. I now drink herbal tea for comfort.

I am not opposed to medication or pharmaceuticals.

There is definitely a time and place for them. But it seems as if in today's society you can't turn on the television or go anywhere without seeing a drug advertisement. When I was eating pills everyday, I believed that the medication could miraculously grant me happiness and well-being.

I look back on it all now and I see that it was disgusting. I can't believe how much I wasted on pills. I wasted my time, health, and thoughts, but worst of all, I lost the real Lilliana. Those silly little pills. I hurt myself for the sake of escaping.

The medication couldn't help me — I was the solution to the mess.

It was a long process of healing myself; I had to want to get better. I had to accept all my family problems, my relationship stress, my friends' neglect and rise above the chaos. And I did. I accepted my life, and I moved on. There was so much more out there wanting me: people waiting for me, music to be listened to, the Earth burning to see me.

I overcame my problems by the help of the happy in me.

My happiness wanted to come out. So I crumpled the sad in me and threw it away.

I knew I had to move on, so I started going on adventures to Mt. Lemmon, painting entire walls with charcoal, and doing a little gardening (I have a tomato!). I started engaging in activities that made me happy.

I removed the sad in my life, and the medication followed.