10 tips for maintaining emotional equilibrium during the holidays

1 Modify your expectations.

"The top complaints I hear about the holidays are increased expectations on our time, obligations to buy and party and travel, the burden of extra things to do on top of an already burdensome schedule … relationship issues, and most of all, that the spirit of the holidays is lost in the commercialism and the obligations and the exhaustion created by the holiday itself," said Patti Harada, adjunct faculty member at the University of Arizona, instructor in the psychology of love and spirituality.

She suggests recapturing the spirit of the season through simplification and self-care as suggested below.

2 Family ties are important to your well-being.

Harada said that the often painful family connections can be a significant aspect of personal growth.

"We need to take on the responsibility for learning to feel reverence toward ourselves as we feel pain. This connects us with the meaning of what it is to be human during trying times and the ability to give and receive love. Get to know your discomfort, and get comfortable with your painful memories."

Accomplish this by relaxing your body and allowing yourself to feel emotions (anger, pain, sadness) while maintaining a positive attitude toward yourself.

3 Holiday Rx: Love yourself.

"The more relaxed you are and the more loving your attitude is toward you, the kinder and more loving you will be toward others. Then your part in conflict with others will change and make way for changes in them," Harada said.

4 Spend time and effort - not money - to create memorable gifts.

"The desire to ritualize the holy days of the year with gifts is a time-honored and important tradition. Spending money you don't have and creating a hole in your finances is not," Harada said.

Call on your creativity: Relax your body, recognize the discomfort associated with changing tradition, be genuinely affectionate toward yourself, and allow ideas to emerge.

5 Assess your obligations, understand your motivations.

"There are obligations that should not be met. The only way to know what is and is not necessary is to be willing to know the absolute deepest truth," Harada said.

That truth may be uncomfortable, but take a deep breath, make a list and examine each obligation.

"A relaxed body and a loving heart will make the changes from inappropriate obligations a growing and healing experience for everyone involved," Harada said.

6 Don't be held hostage by the fear of hurting others.

"Willingness to cause pain in others by doing what you must in order to do what is truly right for you is a difficult lesson to learn. It can't be accomplished without the willingness to feel pain and it is fruitless to do without loving kindness toward oneself," Harada said.

7 Loneliness and loss can provide unique insight in this spiritual season.

"The longing to be with loved ones that are too far away to see, who have died, or who for a dozen other reasons - abandonment, divorce, disease - are not reachable, is a holy experience. A painful but truly sacred experience of humanity," Harada said.

Remember: Suppression of your pain can cause illness.

Harada's therapy? Breathe deeply, relaxing as you exhale. Take comfort in being a person who loves and longs for love.

8 Treat yourself physically.

"The idea behind this is to get touched, even if you trade a massage with a friend or hug someone. While you are touching and feeling joy or concern for another, let yourself feel some of your own care," Harada said.

If you are solo, flex and move a chosen muscle (arm, leg, buttocks) to the point of pleasure. Breathe in the pleasure, exhaling and distributing it through your relaxed body with conscious awareness.

9 Take an emotional mini-vacation.

Imagery and cognitive techniques can revitalize body and soul while assisting with behavioral changes and resolution of emotional problems.

Before implementing these methods, take a deep breath, relax your stomach and let other muscles relax.

Imagery - Close your eyes and let the image of yourself as tense, angry, or sad emerge. See yourself sitting on a bench under a tree. Let an affectionate and caring image of yourself emerge to comfort the distraught image.

Cognitive - kind, truthful self-talk is reassuring and allows you to regain control. "Say to yourself, 'I know you are having a hard time. Talk to me. Tell me what is upsetting you at this moment,' " Harada said.

10 Do something ridiculously kind for someone else.

"Pass up a prime parking spot, pay for the order of the car behind you at the drive-through, let someone else go first in the store … and savor the feeling of giving," Harada said.

Resource: Patti Harada, adjunct faculty member at the University of Arizona, instructor in the psychology of death and loss and the psychology of love and spirituality.