Sat, Jul 04, 2009
 Christopher Quigley, 12, and his mother, Sylvia Quigley, participate in a support group at Tu Nidito Children and Family Services for children and adults who have lost a loved one to cancer.
james gregg / arizona daily star
RANCHO RESORT MAINTANANCE POSITION General A1 Communications Cable Techs Health Care Sierra Tucson Eating Disorders Program Coordinator East SideHelp for kids if Mom or Dad has cancerTu Nidito offers support groups that understand
ARIZONA DAILY STAR
Tucson, Arizona | Published: 01.13.2008
Sylvia Quigley knows well the hurt and fear a child feels when a parent is terminally ill.
Quigley, 41, lost her father to cancer when she was 4, and then struggled with grief years later.
Now she's watching her son, Christopher Quigley, spend his childhood coping with his father's cancer and death.
Tom Quigley was 40 when he died in March 2006. Christopher, now 12, was a toddler when his young father was first diagnosed.
During the years Tom battled a rare gastrointestinal tumor, Christopher had the support of his mother as well as a large and loving extended family. But Sylvia felt he needed something more.
"There are so many support groups for caregivers or spouses. They forget that these kids almost need it more, in a way, because they don't have these same abilities that adults do to understand and process," she said.
To help children like Christopher, Tu Nidito Children and Family Services will begin offering a support group next month for children and teens, ranging in age from 3 to 18, who have a parent with cancer.
"The idea for the group began as we received phone call after phone call from parents who, upon their cancer diagnosis, called Tu Nidito, looking for support for their kids," said Ciara Meyer, development director for Tu Nidito, 3922 N. Mountain Ave.
"Until now, there has been no agency in Tucson offering support to children who have a parent diagnosed with cancer or providing education and tools to parents of these children."
Laura Belleau wishes such a resource had been available for her four children during their father's three-month fight to beat throat cancer.
During that brief period, Belleau said, their focus was on fighting the advanced disease. That meant driving to Phoenix every day for five weeks for treatments, and flying "all over the country to get second and third opinions."
"Everything else gets left out," she said. "You're so focused on killing the cancer that you're not focused on what others might be feeling. Our kids were probably, like, 'Where do we fit into all of this?' "
Mark Redondo died in April 2005. The couple's children, Fletcher Redondo, now 4, and Sofia Redondo, now 7, were very young when their father became ill, Belleau said, but Sofia, then 4, would have benefited from knowing other children with sick parents.
"It makes them feel like the death of a parent isn't so abnormal, and it helps them discover that death is all around us, that it's just a part of life, that we're born and we live and then we die," she said.
The couple's older children, Chris Redondo, now 22, and Rachel Redondo, now 20, also could have benefited from a teen group, she said.
Belleau, 41, started attending Tu Nidito's grief support groups in September 2005 and continues to go with her two youngest children twice each month.
"They're dealing remarkably well, and I put a lot of credence in going to Tu Nidito," she said. "In that place, the kids can grieve in a really healthy way and there are other kids who are in exactly the same position they are."
In the new effort, the children and teens will meet twice a month in age-appropriate groups for discussions and activities "to share their hopes and fears, laughter and tears," Meyer said.
Each evening will include not only the teen and children's groups, but also sessions for the diagnosed parent and any other adult caregivers. Groups at Tu Nidito are facilitated by trained volunteers, Meyer said, and coordinated by a staff member.
On average, each year Tu Nidito helps more than 800 Tucson children whose lives have been affected by illness or death, Meyer said.
Sylvia Quigley said her husband underwent nine clinical trials during the years he had cancer, mostly at Tucson's University Medical Center.
"In that nine-year period, we had phases when he was doing treatment and phases where he'd be doing well," she said.
Tom Quigley spent the last year of his life going to Boston every six weeks to participate in another clinical trial, she said.
"We never sheltered him," Sylvia said of their son. "When Daddy was in the hospital, we said 'Daddy was in the hospital,' and we went to see Daddy. He knew Daddy was sick. That was normal vernacular in our house because it was an everyday thing."
Like Belleau and her two youngest children, Quigley and Christopher now participate in Tu Nidito's grief support groups.
"It's such an important thing for them to feel like they're not the only ones to experience this, to not be afraid to cry or yell," she said. "Friends might not understand, and they don't know what you're going through."
Quigley said her own experience in losing her father made her realize how important it is to grieve, and to be supported during that process.
"I had this delayed grief, which I think is so much more difficult. If you help these children now, that's going to help them when they're adults."
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● Contact reporter Patty Machelor at 235-0308 or pmachelor@azstarnet.com.
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