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Q: We have a 22-month-old girl who has a habit of banging her head against the wall, floor, or anything she can find when she gets frustrated or gets denied something she wants. She has been doing this close to six months now, and it happens once or twice a day. We noticed that she is not merely doing it to get our attention, because she does it at times nobody is in the same room. We have heard different suggestions ranging from walking out on her to stopping her at all cost. What is your suggestion?

A: This is a very frustrating behavior for parents to watch. It looks as though your child is deliberately hurting herself, and when a head hits the floor it can sound awful. This is so painful for parents to watch and hear that they want the behaviors to stop immediately. However, very few normal children hurt themselves. If your daughter is developing normally and is an otherwise happy kid, I can assure you she is not doing any damage to her head.

What to do? I would try to prevent head-banging by minimizing frustration. If she is playing by herself so this is not to get your attention, go to her and interpret the behavior: "You are angry because you broke your crayon. Let's get another one." If she is doing this to get your attention, ignore it as you ignore all tantrumlike behavior once you make certain the child is safe.

Why would a child bang her head and hurt herself when she is angry at someone else or mad at the world? Part of this is developmental. A child not yet 2 has the coordination to bang her head on the floor but may not yet have the motor skills to hit at another child. This kind of head-banging is a sort of tantrum in which the child cannot tolerate the feelings of frustration and needs to do something that trumps those feelings.

The parent's job is to help a frustrated child learn how to deal with anger. The three time-honored strategies that help parents do their job are prevention, distraction and removal. Try to prevent meltdowns by noting when they are likely to occur. Arrange for naps or snacks if the child is tired or hungry. Distract the frustrated child by bringing another toy or separating two toddlers who start to tangle. Remove the child heading for trouble from the scene.

If you have a head-banger, you should protect the child's head as much as you can. The play room should be carpeted and the chairs padded.

What should you do if, despite your efforts, there is a meltdown? You have to make a decision in a child this age whether to contain the behavior or ignore it. In very frustrated children younger than 2, you can stop the head-banging by picking up the child and holding her tightly either in your arms or a blanket. Keep her face turned away from yours so she is not getting attention, just containment. Speak quietly but soothingly. "I know you are angry. I'm going to hold you tight until you feel better."

However, in older children the attention that containment provides may lead to more tantrums for the express purpose of getting this attention. You obviously want to avoid giving your child the idea that a tantrum gets you what you want. Make sure the child is safe and walk away. When the child realizes there is no audience, the tantrum stops quickly 99 percent of the time. Some kids keep screaming to see whether Mommy or Daddy will come back in the room. Don't do it.