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Q I read your piece on spanking in the Arizona Daily Star (Feb. 18). I'm curious about the do's and don'ts of spanking.

I never hit my children in anger. I always cool down and explain to them the procedure, and I then administer the spanking — usually two or three hand spanks over the pants. After it's over, we hug and that's it. They usually learn their lesson at that time.

Is the hand the right thing to hit them with? How many smacks? Should you spank over the pants? At what age should spanking stop?

A There are no "do's" of spanking in my book. I don't approve of spanking. I don't feel spanking is a necessary component of discipline. So you will not get a how-to-spank handbook out of me.

But I will tell you why I don't approve of spanking.

● It's ineffective. It may stop an action, but it doesn't help the child develop self-control. Instead, the child learns that parents can hurt you. They also figure out that you can do something bad as long as your parent doesn't see it.

● Spanking takes away the young child's strong desire to please you. A hurt child gets angry, the same way you would feel if your boss smacked you because a report was late. If you're hurt and insulted, the desire to please vanishes.

● As I have said repeatedly, spanking gives children the message that it's OK for big people to hit little people. Children who are spanked are more likely to hit other children. Of course, children act the way they are treated. They model their parents' behaviors and grow up thinking that's the way everybody acts.

● Spanking can have bad side effects in parents. The overwhelming majority of parents say they spank only when they are angry. They often feel guilty because they were out of control and acted like a kid instead of a grown-up.

● Parents who spank not out of anger but in a cool, controlled, detached way scare me — and their children — the most. The message the child gets is that the parents don't care about the child, no matter how many times they say they're doing the spanking for the child's own good.

● Spanking can be dangerous. An angry parent can lose control and spank harder than intended. When the child continues to do what he or she was spanked for, "controlled" parents often spank harder. And we know that child abuse as well as domestic violence are both prevalent in our culture.

● Children, especially young ones, are not compliant. Preschoolers do what their parents or teachers tell them to do less than two-thirds of the time. Oppositional behavior is actually an important part of child development, as it teaches the child how to establish autonomy (self-governance). The understanding parent accepts this and realizes that the child will likely need to be told many times to do or to stop doing something.

If you feel spanking is the only way you can get your child to mind you, you are simply ignorant of the discipline strategies that work. My column next week will review these.

P.S. to the mother who wrote today's letter. Never use anything but a hand! But before you raise your hand, place it next to your child's hand to compare the size. Then imagine yourself being spanked by King Kong — for your own good, of course.