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Q: I wrote you six months ago about my daughter and my grandson. She is a meth addict. We have tried everything out there to get her into rehab without success. The child lives with his father, and he is with me two or three days and nights a week. Your advice was to let the child see his mother under supervision.

We have been following this advice, but sometimes she comes and sometimes she doesn't. She tells the little boy that she is sick and in the hospital, which worries him greatly. When she goes without seeing him for a week or more, he returns to being a joyful easy child, but when she pops back into his life, he changes. He will cry for her all night. Sometimes he just cries and says "Mama" without actually waking up.

I think he might be better off to learn to live without her, but we are afraid that this will send her into a suicidal place. On the other hand, she may then be willing to get help. She looks terrible, she has bruises all over and hangs out with what appear to be dangerous people. Her visits are very disruptive and I really don't want to see her, but I love her and don't want her to be worse off than she already is. But I am so worried that her child is being emotionally tortured by this life. 

A: Yes, her child is being emotionally tortured by this life. It is very difficult to be only 3 years old and love a mother whose addiction comes first.

Addiction is a chronic and progressive disease which affects not only the addict, but the whole family, especially the children. An addicted mother becomes so preoccupied with obtaining and using the drug that she has time for no other responsibilities, including parenting. Children of addicted mothers show a high incidence of school and behavior problems when compared to control groups.

What affects children most, especially young children, is the parent's unpredictability. The parent may change quickly from a warm, loving person to an angry, violent one. The parent may ignore the child completely or not show up when expected. What does this do to a child? It's devastating because the child thinks the mother doesn't love him anymore. Further, the child thinks he has done something terribly wrong to cause the mother to act this way. Your grandson doesn't know it's the methamphetamine, not him. 

Sadly, there are times when parental visits and parental rights must be severed for the physical or psychological well-being of the child. Hard as this can be on an addicted parent, sometimes having a child taken away becomes the "I've hit bottom" message that gets the parent into treatment. You are an example of how this addiction affects the whole family. You feel you must choose between your daughter and your grandson — a terrible choice to have to make.

To my way of thinking, the child, who most needs our protection, must come first. Your letter tells me how hard the family has tried to get help for your daughter. It sounds like it is time for the child's father to talk to a counselor in one of the drug abuse agencies to advise him about what is best for the child. This decision is too momentous for a father to make by himself. He may have to involve Child Protective Services or the courts. My heart goes out to all of you involved in this, including the addicted mother, whose life is being destroyed by the substance she is abusing.

The one bright note is that your grandson has his father and you to provide the love and stability every child needs and deserves. I have enormous respect for the many grandparents out there who are raising or helping to raise their grandchildren. These second-time-around parents are in that role because of one of the big, bad D words: death, disease, disability, drugs, desertion or divorce. All of these problems make it impossible or unwise for the parent to care for the child. The child is fortunate when a grandparent can come to the rescue. 

P.S. — If you, the grandmother, need help in dealing with all of this, I suggest you call K.A.R.E. (Kinship and Adoption Resource and Education Family Center) at 323-4476. There is help for you and other grandparents in tough situations.